This ensign article is a good read:
http://www.lds.org/ensign/2013/03/raising-resilient-children
And so is "Love and Logic”
I feel like it gives more good ideas for implementing principles discussed in the above article. Besides, it works like magic! We’ve been
shocked as we have implemented an idea from the book and it has played out just
as the book predicted it would.
The most
dramatic example is when I started whispering to William “I love you too much
to argue”. On day two of using this
technique, we were eating lunch and he put his hands in his smoothie and I
asked him not to. He did it again and I
said “Oh dear” and took it away.
He got
really upset and said “Give me my smoothie!” “I NEED IT!”
I said “we
don’t talk to mom like that”
Then he said
“Give it to me RIGHT NOW!”
At this
point I paused and then whispered “I love you too much to argue”
Just
like love and logic said he would, he got rather upset. He burst out some other command at me and I
just paused, smiled and said nothing.
Then just like love and logic predicted he said “don’t say I love you
too much to argue.”
So this
doesn’t necessarily sound all that awesome.
I mean, William is getting pretty upset with me. But his actions are his choice. My job is coming up with proper consequences to actions--good and bad. The thing I love is that I am
in total control of myself (I hate loosing control of myself), I have energy at the end of (most) days, I enjoy being around my kids, and I'm not wishy-washy about sticking to the consequences. Plus the real winner is it
doesn’t take much of this kind of experience for kids to catch on. William basically knows he’s lost when I say “I
love you too much to argue”. If he gets
too ornery after I say that, and do the smiling thing, I just say “Oh dear,
looks like a little bedroom time”. You’ll
have to read the book, but “Oh dear” is how we “lock in empathy” before we
deliver a consequence. I don’t say it like I’m happy to send him to
his room or to take his food (this can be hard, and it takes some practice to
really say it with love).
My other
favorite idea is after he comes out of his room, I ask him if he wants a hug or
no hug. He always wants a hug, and it’s
right in line with Doctrine and
Covenants 121:43
“Reproving betimes with sharpness,
when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase
of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his
enemy;”
I basically had to read the book
twice to really get some techniques right.
I was trying to do some things but didn’t have it quite right and it
wasn’t working like it does now. The
great thing is it’s empowered me to handle him without getting frazzled. Plus, he knows the rules and he tests them at
his own risk, so to speak. Just like Love and Logic says, I’m almost excited
to see what he tries next so I can use some more Love and Logic on him!
“Sometimes
we have to make our kids really mad
in
the short term, so they can be happier
and
more responsible in the long term.”
-Love and Logic
(and
let me clarify, that we don’t make kids mad, they choose to be mad)
